So last night I had an interesting experience, several actually. To date there have been 3 times that I have had to define the relationship that I was in. The first time I had a DTR was at BYU when my girlfriend and I broke up after she had prayed and was told that we shouldn’t continue. The second time was after about 6 days dating a girl whom I realized I could never commit myself to. I intrinsically knew that I was attracted to guys and so I couldn’t continue the relationship. I was a bit of a coward and so I DTR’d over the phone with a follow up a week of so later. I felt like a jerk but it happened.
Last night I had my third DTR experience. It started out over text message. This was a brand new experience for me. I have been on a few dates with this guy when he texted “You confuse me. I just don’t get what you want or if you’re interested. Maybe you don’t even know.” I responded via text and told him that I am interested in dating someone but that I am not looking for sex in any way until I get married and so I take things slow. He and I decided that text was a crappy way to DTR and so I called him.
He was completely taken aback by the fact that I would hold off on sex until after marriage. He couldn’t get his mind around this concept because “sex is so important in a relationship, its why I don’t date straight women.” Besides the fact that he and I are over, the biggest hit to me is how predicated upon sex, the actual action of copulation, is to this guy. It blew me away because my homosexuality, while incorporating the physical attractions, is dominated by the emotional, mental, intellectual, and spiritual attractions that I have with someone. It isn’t about the gender of the person in my bed, but rather the person I connect to on a deep multilateral level.
This got me thinking all last night and I wondered to myself how oddball this guy was. How outside of the picture frame was he to focus just on sex. And then I stepped into his shoes. I tried to get into the mind of a young gay man with little to no religious upbringing, someone for whom it was a given that sexual connection is so important that it has to take place before marriage in order “to see if you are compatible.” And I realized that I am the queer one for wanting to make a lasting connection with someone and a permanent commitment to someone before I have sex.
I knew that my LDS brining made me a peculiar person, but I didn’t fully grasp how fully this oddity shaped my character. The realization was so profound that in my dream last night I was dreaming about this concept and twice I was brought face to face with death. My oldest brother and his wife nearly hit me with their car. They swerved to miss me and came to a stop at such an angle that forced me to confront their car. In dreamland my mind was brought into a state of confrontation with my past, with my family and the values they embody.
This morning it finally clicked. Am I in such a queer and peculiar place that I am alone? Am I alone in my desire to seek a traditional emotional, mental, and spiritual connection with another man before marrying him? Am I really that alone? For right now I feel like Moses, growing up in a culture that wasn’t my true heritage and after fleeing and finding a place for myself declaring “I am a stranger in a strange land.”