Good Grief!

Unresolved loss can lead to depression.
Fear of loss, to anxiety
The more you hold onto something you lost
The more you fear losing it
Depression, anxiety, Depression, anxiety.
One gives rise to the other, like a cycle.
Wouldn’t you want to be free from all that? Finally? Wouldn’t you like to go home and be at peace?

– Next to Normal

Next to Normal is a show that deals with the issue of grief and loss and watching it on the front row tonight I felt the show deeper than ever before, it was fantastic. The first time I saw the show the lines above weren’t embedded in my memory as much as other things, but tonight it was the boldest statement for me.

It got me thinking. Have I properly grieved for my dream-like heteronormal life or do I still cling to it causing immense heartache for myself and others? Does the fear of losing my heterosexual dream give me anxiety that drives others away? I think I am still clinging to it. I have yet to throw it out and I often wonder if I should. Thus I try to hold onto it and thus I fear losing it more so I hold onto it even more. I am caught in a cycle and those are rarely good.

So how do I get out? How to I mourn the loss of my childhood? How do I “get over” the loss of my heterosexuality? How do I grieve for the man I used to be?

I have tried focusing on others and serving my fellow man. I have tried giving the finger to all the rules. I have tried to simply look at the past as a tool that has shaped my present and thus is key to further understanding. And I have tried going the route of Simba and saying that the past is just the past.

How do I do it? Should I do it? Is it healthy to stay as I am; unable to forgive myself, unable to love myself, unable to do more than just dream of having a relationship with anybody, including God? How do I grow when I feel I am buried? How to I bring forth good fruits when I feel barren? How do I share beauty when I feel encompassed about with stone? How do I escape from the thicket?

Any ideas?