I touched upon it last post and “TGD” drew back the curtain a little more on the natural question following that post. Why am I not offended when people say offensive things?
Is it because the things people say are dumb arguments and/or not really offensive? Is it because I have an empathetic perspective that lets me see where they are coming from and brush the offense aside? Is it because I have internalized the belief that taking offense let’s the other person win? Or is it because I still have walls built up around me, walls that keep everyone out so that no one can get close enough to offend or harm me?
I think that for all my wishing it weren’t, I can take offensive sayings and overt gestures of hostility in stride because I have these walls and it causes problems throughout my life. Essentially I can’t/don’t trust anyone.
At work I have a hard time delegating because I have found that the adage “if you want something done right do it yourself” is sadly accurate. I then take too much on and work myself to the bone to get it done. In relationships I try to take charge so that everything goes smoothly, often with the opposite effect. And in every aspect of my life I have tried to be independent, self-sufficient, mature, NOT because I want to be, but because I can’t trust anyone to take care of me but me. For example, I taught myself enough HTML to code this blog, even though I could farm it off and get a much nicer one. I don’t trust it.
I heard a fantastic political analogy for this. The GOP won the house because Boehner didn’t try to hold the reigns, but instead just held on for the ride. He did the hardest thing which is to not dive in and try to “fix” things himself. Pelosi would have inserted herself to try and whip everyone into shape. I want to be more like Boehner. (OMG, did I really just type that?)
I need to learn to work with others, not just myself. I need to learn to grow together like an aspen grove, not die alone like so many redwoods have. And yet, everything the Church is telling me about my potential as a god in embryo speaks to the redwood, not the aspen grove, as does their counsel towards celibacy. So what do I do?