So Much Better

Does anyone else find that moment when you uncover another of Satan’s tactics to be just delightful? My experience as a Gay Mormon has been defined by many periods of depression, failed relationships and frustration with the Church mixed with equally happy periods of joy, imaginary dreams coming true, and peace.

As I was sitting here today the thoughts of the last few weeks crept up on me and I realized that this thought of mine that I should stop looking for love and a husband and instead marry my career is another of Satan’s techniques to make me feel like I am worth less than I truly am.

For the past while I have been contemplating just taking a clean break from my personal hopes and dreams for the future and instead focus on the future of my career and my long term goals. For a short while I loved this idea. After all I had just spent 8 months bouncing around the country for my career and I am loving every long day i spend doing work.

But lately as I started to go on dates just to stay in the loop I have started to get depressed more than usual. I have been worried about what the next steps and how I get from “A” to “D” in a slow, steady, smooth way and not in the typical LDS way of 3 dates and your engaged. I’ve never really had a relationship last for longer than a couple of months and I am terrible and even keeping friendships up for a decent amount of time (especially when separated by a lot of distance).

These thoughts have all paralyzed me, left me frozen in depression leaning more and more towards saying “Enough” and simply living a life married to my career. The problem with this is that after coming to terms with personal revelation I received int he temple about how I need to search for a husband I made a covenant with the Lord to put my trust in him and follow where he led me. That I didn’t know where to go but that if he showed me where, I would walk.

The thought to abandon this search would be breaking my covenant with the Lord. As I sat here tonight pondering all of this I remembered a line from my patriarchal blessing that reads: “[Satan] would harm you terribly if he could but, because of your determination to keep the covenants you have made, he will have no power over you.” In recalling those lines tonight it was like a light shone in on my sadness and I knew why I have been feeling terrible over the past couple of weeks.

This light unmasked the tactic Satan was using and I now can adapt to it and work to get happier. My cynical side of course tells me that this means his next tactic is going to be that much harder to spot and my optimist side tells me I’m free. Meanwhile, the realist inside is reminding me that behind every great man in history is a strong partner who is their helpmeet. How can I marry my career successfully without a partner by my side and children to motivate me to do better?

  • Rubyn Kellam

    Hi David – thanks for another thought-provoking post.  I was analysing what you said when I noticed the yellow panel to the left which reads “The thoughts of someone who is always looking for more data – All thought are my own.”
    This stopped me in my tracks.  I don’t understand what it means and I’d totally appreciate your guidence.
    “Always looking for more data”.  Please don’t get upset if I…. (and I should point out we are both members of the same church)…. if I ask you how come you don’t have enough data already.  Don’t you feel the church supplies all the date we need?
    And then you say “All thoughts are my own”.  Excuse me, I don’t understand what that means.  Are you simply claiming copyright on your published material or are you saying the blog is an exploration of your own ideas – and possibly for your own benefit?
    Sorry if I’m being tedious or displaying ingenuousness. 
    Can I also say that as a gay Mormon myself, I am intrigued by the way you have introduced Satan into your discourse.  Are you certain he has played in a part in your fluctuating feelings and attitudes?  I wonder what part the Spirit plays in your desires for love and happiness and wholeness.  Surely the Spirit plays a great part in the life of such a thoughtful and eloquent person as yourself.  Which is stronger or longer-lasting… a covenant or the Spirit?
    Although I am confued by some of what you say, one thing shines out from your post – which is that your depressions or cravings over your marital status have nothing to do with Satan nor with covenants made with the Lord.  I see a very differnt scenario.  But perhaps I should let that go for the moment.

    • Hey Rubyn,

      The reason for my tagline on my blog is twofold. 1st. My blog has shifted further away from being a Gay Mormon blog and it is now more of a public journal of sorts so the data comment is more holistic and that explination can be found here – The disclaimer that all thoughts are my own is to ensure that any reporter who finds the work can’t use it against my employer as some of my posts are political or digital in nature so it is a protection thing.

      • Rubynk

         Thanks David for that explanation.  Now everything makes sense to me 🙂  Isn’t it weird how a tiny piece of a puzzle being missing turns everything into total incoherence hahahaa – well it can do exactly that for me sometimes.   It can even spark wars.  It can make lovers feel lost and walk away (maybe?). 
        I enjoyed this great talk on TED by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
        I really appreciate the way you keep telling us news about you – which means I can avoid having ‘a single story’ about you.
        I will check out the self-quantified thing.  Thanks.