So Much Better

Does anyone else find that moment when you uncover another of Satan’s tactics to be just delightful? My experience as a Gay Mormon has been defined by many periods of depression, failed relationships and frustration with the Church mixed with equally happy periods of joy, imaginary dreams coming true, and peace.

As I was sitting here today the thoughts of the last few weeks crept up on me and I realized that this thought of mine that I should stop looking for love and a husband and instead marry my career is another of Satan’s techniques to make me feel like I am worth less than I truly am.

For the past while I have been contemplating just taking a clean break from my personal hopes and dreams for the future and instead focus on the future of my career and my long term goals. For a short while I loved this idea. After all I had just spent 8 months bouncing around the country for my career and I am loving every long day i spend doing work.

But lately as I started to go on dates just to stay in the loop I have started to get depressed more than usual. I have been worried about what the next steps and how I get from “A” to “D” in a slow, steady, smooth way and not in the typical LDS way of 3 dates and your engaged. I’ve never really had a relationship last for longer than a couple of months and I am terrible and even keeping friendships up for a decent amount of time (especially when separated by a lot of distance).

These thoughts have all paralyzed me, left me frozen in depression leaning more and more towards saying “Enough” and simply living a life married to my career. The problem with this is that after coming to terms with personal revelation I received int he temple about how I need to search for a husband I made a covenant with the Lord to put my trust in him and follow where he led me. That I didn’t know where to go but that if he showed me where, I would walk.

The thought to abandon this search would be breaking my covenant with the Lord. As I sat here tonight pondering all of this I remembered a line from my patriarchal blessing that reads: “[Satan] would harm you terribly if he could but, because of your determination to keep the covenants you have made, he will have no power over you.” In recalling those lines tonight it was like a light shone in on my sadness and I knew why I have been feeling terrible over the past couple of weeks.

This light unmasked the tactic Satan was using and I now can adapt to it and work to get happier. My cynical side of course tells me that this means his next tactic is going to be that much harder to spot and my optimist side tells me I’m free. Meanwhile, the realist inside is reminding me that behind every great man in history is a strong partner who is their helpmeet. How can I marry my career successfully without a partner by my side and children to motivate me to do better?