Nov

No Offense

Occasionally I am talking with members of my ward, or of the Church on FaceBook and they preface their statement with “I am trying phrase things so I don’t offend you.” Each time this happens I cut the person off and tell them that I don’t get offended easily, if at all.

While occasionally I have been known to walk out of a meeting or a lesson it is completely different scale. 1 is a conversation while the other is being said from a position of responsibility and should be even more conscious.

To prove my ability to avoid taking offense I present to you a comment pulled from my YouTube page to which I don’t take any offense even though I know this person is trying to offend me.

First, I will get right to the point of your video title, in RE: the compatibility of Sexuality and Religion (as a comparison to “oil and water”, which don’t mix). Yours is a “loaded question”, as we used to say, long before you were ever born. You are not talking about “sexuality”, here. You are actually talking about the acceptability of your aberrant and perverse behavior (or set of behaviors), here. The Bible–which has stories that are in no way ambiguous–tells of God’s Wrath on Sodom.

There is actually “nothing” ambiguous about what happened to Abraham’s nephew, in the Book of Genesis. The nephew had gone to live in the city named SODOM (you know the one: it is the place name from which our English word “sodomy” is derived). And, this man was visited by “aliens” (they were called angels). The queers, in the city, all rushed to the door of the house of Abraham’s nephew, and invited them outside, so that they could “know” these “aliens”: acting out their queer-dom

I will not embellish nor somehow “sanitize” your lifestyle, by calling it anything but what we called it, in 1960, when I was a student, at school. (I was not a strong kid, physically, but we all had an understanding that, when a queer kid came out of the closet, that we would call an upperclassman over, so that he could “pound that queer right back into that closet!”).
Queers never got a chance to “come out” of that closet! Unlike that lesbo Ellen DeGenerate…

GOD ordained & sanctioned “marriage”. God joined Adam & Eve together, in the Garden of Eden. (And, if this is merely a “fable”, it is a “good fable”, with an object lesson, attached to it). God created a “helpmate” (old English), for Adam: a “helper” who was acceptable, for Adam. God didn’t ask Adam what Adam’s “orientation” was; God did not offer “sensitivity training”, to Adam: just in case Adam turned out to be queer…

And, finally–back to Sodom (and Gomorrah)–God destroyed those two cities (after the “aliens” had blinded all the queers who were banging on the door of Abraham’s nephew, demanding to send out those “visitors”. (It seems those “visitors” were fully capable of taking care of themselves!)
So, Lot (Abraham’s nephew)–the only one NOT a degenerate, in Sodom–was commanded to leave the city, so God could then wipe those queers (and other degenerates of other types) right off the Earth.

God doesn’t hate you, young man!
(He just hates what you “do”, and what you have “accepted”, for yourself.)

Note: If heterosexuals stay “decent” (not become whores & do what is wrong), then we say that they are “decent people”. If queers were to do the same thing–and not act out their/your filth–then they/you would be accepted, too. I don’t think that is possible, for you, though…

As you can see I could easily take offense but I don’t. If anyone wants to challenge what I believe then please, feel free. Don’t worry, I won’t take offense.

559 days ago Short URL 5 Comments

About Me/Homosexuality

May

The Birds and the Bees: Sex Talk Part 3

Emil had yet another response so here it is:

I knew when I wrote about sex defines a relationship, that you would bring up that friends can still have sex. . .yes, it’s true – but then defining a relationship can be difficult at best even between friends (IE “friends with benefits”) I guess what I mean perhaps was that there comes a defining moment necessary between friends and partner – and you said that moment for you is the “build your life together”. Which is good. I’ll go with that. But then again, friends (without benefits) can do that as well. I have future plans with my roommate to move to Texas together. She’s my best friend and we’re planning a life together – it may not be my whole life or her whole life, but at least part of it and the foreseeable future. But we’re not going to get married, and we’re certainly not going to have sex. But how you get to the relationship is not the point of the discussion. It’s whether or not sex before a marriage commitment is ideal – and if it’s important enough aspect of relationships to deal with before you commit. I say it is. But I’m willing to recant that aspect after thinking about some things. First: not everyone receives love from a relationship in the same way. Second: everyone’s values of relationships are different. Some like simple vocal expressions of love, some like gifts (shows of affection), some like physical (touching, cuddling, sex); and I’m sure there’s more that I can’t think of. But for different people each one of these aspects of relationships has a hierarchy of importance to them (I’m not saying you get to pick only one, but there’s a definite “this is more important”). If someone’s sexual drive or urge is at the bottom of their totem pole, then it may be something they are completely willing to wait out for.

I guess then my question would be why? Why leave a mystery of something that can be so wonderful to chance? (or something that will easily be miserable – virgin women with their hymen intact will probably tell you their first time sucks – or what if you discover you’re both tops???) I’m curious to know why people think this way. Where’s this principle come from? I guarantee we don’t have books about how to make sex more pleasurable or fun because someone wanted to keep sex sacred (or even within the comforts of marriage).

I don’t want a relationship to be only about the sex, but I do feel that it is singularly important and a defining feature. I feel that creating a principle like pre-marital sex is only hindering you from exploring a wider range of possible partners (no, not just sexual partners ) – which you already admit to. I guess my problem with the whole concept is that those that engage in pre-martial sex are often looked down upon by those that abstain. I feel that this is in part is why so many are even hesitant to even talk about sex. I feel that healthy relationships begin with open honest communication in all things – including sexual communication (physical and verbal).

Also, can we get more response? I am curious to know how my friends feel about this.

Here is my response:

Emil,

I love Facebook, this is what its for!

The key difference between friends and partners isn’t temporarily building a life together, but building a permanent life together. I’m sorry I didn’t make that distinction clearer. For me a marriage is meant to stand the test of time, it is designed to be a permanent fixture. I believe that the more wait before sex that the more permanent the marriage. I recognize that this is NOT a linear association and is determined by far more characteristics than just Sex, but I do believe that there is some form of correlation between waiting for sex and the permanence of the marriage. Is there fluctuation on that line? Yes. Does it differ from person to person? Yes!

You state why leave something so wonderful up to chance when it would be so easy to “test things out.” That is a fair point, but both examples you gave can be solved with open and honest communication. First times usually always suck. But as you discuss sex in an open and honest way you can learn what works and what doesn’t. If you are both tops you can communicate that before marriage (and should!) and if under the situation you are describing both men are virgins, then that is a part of the work that relationships take. It is a part of the compromises that are made by both parties who are dedicated to, beyond just physically, building a life together.

I am fine with my limited pool of partners. It means that when I find my future husband, we will share that much more in common. And while I think that everyone should be abstinent before marriage I don’t use that as a position of superiority. Just as I think that gay men should strive to find husbands and not wives, I recognize that it is 100% not my call. I don’t know what paths that others have taken to get to where they are. I don’t know the motivations behind their actions and the thought processes that led them there. And because I don’t know them, because I am not them and I am not the Savior who does know, I cannot in the least degree judge another human being for not living up to my standards. I understand that both of my views are uncommon, but they are my views that I wish others would hold as well.

727 days ago Short URL 4 Comments

About Me/Homosexuality/reactions/Response/Sex

May

A Dialogue About Sex and My last post

In response to my latest post, a friend of mine on Facebook tagged me in a note. Because of the importance of his response and my counter-response (Wow, fencing still sneaks up on me) I have included them here on the blog for all to see.

Written as a response to my friend David’s note.

I don’t believe relationships are perfect. I don’t believe there’s any one right person for someone else. I DO believe that if two people really want a relationship to work for them they’ve got to put effort into it. I believe that all things related to that relationship are important – any one thing can easily make it so that they are no longer compatible with each other. I believe there are some relationship aspects that are more important that others.

The ONE defining feature between best friends and partners is the sex. Two people can be emotionally and spiritually connected with each other, and even to a lesser degree physically intimate (cuddling, etc), but they will forever only remain friends as long as they are not physically attracted to each other. So in this sense, in a committed relationship the important factor is sex. I don’t believe that after all is said and done you can just compromise on the biggest difference between friends and partners. I’m not suggesting that people should get it on after the first date, but sex is definitely one of those things you should consider in everything before you end up making that life long commitment. And it’s one of those things that can actually become better and better as you become more and more committed to each other. Imagine after months of cultivating a great friendship you decide this is the person you want to share your life with, you get ready to have sex after the marriage and to your horror you’re no longer physically attracted to them when you see them naked – or the sex is so drab that you just want to cry. I see porn in your future – which as aside is why I think porn is one of the biggest problems facing mormon men. Don’t get me wrong, they love their wives, but let’s face it – the sex isn’t doing it for them, so there’s therapy and spending tons of money for something they could’ve fixed in the beginning if they had just had sex before they got married.

I understand that people don’t want to make the relationship all about sex, they want the sex to come naturally from just everything else they love about each other. But again, if this was the case, there would be no reason for defining yourself a particular sexual orientation – you would just marry a woman David as your “friend” so aptly told you over the phone. But in striving to make sex not the biggest aspect of your relationship by keeping it only in the bonds of matrimony, ironically it has become the biggest thing because you realise that the relationship is not fully consumated until the first time you have sex. Mormons don’t like to focus on sex – “it’s sacred” – but in doing so, they’ve become obsessed with it. Like anything in life you can have too little or too much of it. I would say be smart about – don’t whore yourself out – be safe – save yourself until you get to know the person – start out small – intercourse isn’t the only way to be sexual.

If you want to continue to live your fantasy, I wish you all the best of luck – because in the end that’s what it’ll come down to. luck. You may find someone that shares your fantasy and you may both be able to restrain yourselves before marriage, and then even still you may be sexually compatible, but it’s a small gay world, and even smaller still in the fantasy you believe.

Here is my response:

I agree, relationships aren’t perfect, they may approach perfection asymptotically, but they are never perfect. I also agree that there is not any one singular person that is right for you. There may be soulmates for some people, but mostly I find it to be a giant load of crock, relationships are a full, 24-hour job. They take hard work in order to run at all let alone smoothly. I also believe that there is a hierarchy of important relationship aspects, but I think that open honest communication is the best.

I disagree that sex is a defining feature between friends and partners. Friends have sex all the time and remain friends, never moving into the realm of partner or spouse, but I see your point. A great partner is your best friend with whom you also have sex on a regular basis and until you start having sex you will remain just friends. Except that that isn’t it. On the surface it may be, but when you look down deeper a partner and spouse is someone with whom you commit to build your life, not someone you just go through life with as a friend would be. That is the biggest difference between friends and spouses and you cannot compromise on that principle.

I don’t disagree that “buyers remorse” can happen on the honeymoon, or after several years, but I honestly think that you are putting way too much focus on the sex. Yes sex is important, it is the consummation of physical needs while being also the mechanism to allow for completion of spiritual, emotional, and mental needs as well. But Sex, in and of itself, isn’t something that should be given up without a commitment to that person. In my mind, that line is drawn after the wedding and not before. For you that line may be different, and while I disagree with your call, it is yours to make. But to be perfectly honest, if you are leaving the relationship or starting to cheat on your spouse because the sex is drab then you have 1. Failed at open and honest communication and 2. Haven’t been to a bookstore. Sex can be spiced up relatively easily without resorting to porn or cheating.

You state that my universe view incorporates the notion that sex should come naturally from everything else that a couple loves about each other and that that view means I should just marry a woman. Except that everything I love about a person comes from the total package. The emotional needs that can only be met by another man, the spiritual connection found only with other men, the mental harmony I find in another man, and yes the physical attraction to other men. The natural conclusion of that is sex, with another male.

Maybe I am one of few that feel that my emotional, spiritual and mental attractions and not just physical attractions are tied to the male gender. I completely recognize that fact. I understand my “fantasy” and know that I may not find a compatible person in this life. I recognize that I may find myself alone for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t give me license to compromise my principles. Like I said in my note, I feel that I do not fully belong in either world. I am a stranger in a strange land.

729 days ago Short URL 2 Comments

About Me/Dating/DC/Homosexuality/Response/Sex

May

The Break Up: Or How I Realte to Moses

So last night I had an interesting experience, several actually. To date there have been 3 times that I have had to define the relationship that I was in. The first time I had a DTR was at BYU when my girlfriend and I broke up after she had prayed and was told that we shouldn’t continue. The second time was after about 6 days dating a girl whom I realized I could never commit myself to. I intrinsically knew that I was attracted to guys and so I couldn’t continue the relationship. I was a bit of a coward and so I DTR’d over the phone with a follow up a week of so later. I felt like a jerk but it happened.

Last night I had my third DTR experience. It started out over text message. This was a brand new experience for me. I have been on a few dates with this guy when he texted “You confuse me. I just don’t get what you want or if you’re interested. Maybe you don’t even know.” I responded via text and told him that I am interested in dating someone but that I am not looking for sex in any way until I get married and so I take things slow. He and I decided that text was a crappy way to DTR and so I called him.

He was completely taken aback by the fact that I would hold off on sex until after marriage. He couldn’t get his mind around this concept because “sex is so important in a relationship, its why I don’t date straight women.” Besides the fact that he and I are over, the biggest hit to me is how predicated upon sex, the actual action of copulation, is to this guy. It blew me away because my homosexuality, while incorporating the physical attractions, is dominated by the emotional, mental, intellectual, and spiritual attractions that I have with someone. It isn’t about the gender of the person in my bed, but rather the person I connect to on a deep multilateral level.

This got me thinking all last night and I wondered to myself how oddball this guy was. How outside of the picture frame was he to focus just on sex. And then I stepped into his shoes. I tried to get into the mind of a young gay man with little to no religious upbringing, someone for whom it was a given that sexual connection is so important that it has to take place before marriage in order “to see if you are compatible.” And I realized that I am the queer one for wanting to make a lasting connection with someone and a permanent commitment to someone before I have sex.

I knew that my LDS brining made me a peculiar person, but I didn’t fully grasp how fully this oddity shaped my character. The realization was so profound that in my dream last night I was dreaming about this concept and twice I was brought face to face with death. My oldest brother and his wife nearly hit me with their car. They swerved to miss me and came to a stop at such an angle that forced me to confront their car. In dreamland my mind was brought into a state of confrontation with my past, with my family and the values they embody.

This morning it finally clicked. Am I in such a queer and peculiar place that I am alone? Am I alone in my desire to seek a traditional emotional, mental, and spiritual connection with another man before marrying him? Am I really that alone? For right now I feel like Moses, growing up in a culture that wasn’t my true heritage and after fleeing and finding a place for myself declaring “I am a stranger in a strange land.”

729 days ago Short URL 10 Comments

About Me/Church/Dating/DC/Homosexuality/reactions/Sex

May

Liberals!: Or why I support Sarah Palin

So recently I have been re-watching the West Wing and I watched the episode “The Debate.” In that episode the Senator Arnold Vinick (the Republican) is calling Rep. Santos (the Democrat) a “liberal” and a “progressive”. Santos retorts that “Republican’s have tried to paint the picture that “liberal” is a bad word, but Liberal’s ended slavery.” Vinnick responds “A Republican President ended slavery.” Santos then states,

“Yes, a Liberal Republican, What happened to them? They got run out of the Republican party, why? Liberals got women the right to vote, Liberals got African Americans the right to vote, Liberals created social security and lited millions of elderly people out of poverty, Liberals ended segregation, Liberals past the Civil Rights Act, the Voting rights act, Liberals created Medicare, Liberals past the clean air act, the clean water act, What did Conservatives do? They oppose every one of those programs, every one. So when you try to hurl that word ‘Liberal’ at my feet as if it is something I should be ashamed of it won’t work Senator. I will pick it up and wear it as a badge of honor.”

I look at that statement by Matt Santos and it lines up with my established ideology pretty well. It was because of this speech a few years back that I knew what to call myself. For a while now I have been a Democrat. But recently I realized that I forgot the first part of this speech. Look back at the top of Santos’ quote. I realized that I wasn’t a Democrat, but instead, I am a Liberal Republican. I am not some “Reagan Republican” as most seeking to pass the GOP litmus test claim to be (ironically enough, Reagan wouldn’t have passed said litmus test). I am a proud Liberal and a proud Republican. Wow, talk about a paradox today. Except it isn’t.

The party lines are fracturing and elections are focusing on issues over campaigns and that means that the time is ripe for political parties to re-identify themselves. Take a look at the fact that President Obama and Carrie Prejean (Miss-America 2009 runner-up) have the same views on Gay Marriage whereas Cindy McCain and Laura Bush both believe in Marriage Equality.

Let me shift gears for a moment and fly us over to London where Conservative David Cameron is now the Prime Minister. For those of you who aren’t policy wonks, how did he get there? Not because he got the majority of the votes, but because he formed a coalition with the Liberal-Democrat party that only then gave him enough votes to become the Prime Minister. He courted their votes by compromising on some issues creating a more moderate government than he would have otherwise had. How did this happen? Its simple really, the UK has 3 main political parties.

George Washington advocated against political parties but rather for a united nation. That vision was never really achieved and now we have two deeply entrenched parties that are always fighting against each other. This reminds me of a Voltaire quote which states,

“If there were only one religion in England there would be danger of despotism, if there were two they would cut each other’s throats, but there are thirty and they live in peace and happiness.”

While this quote is about religions, I think it is relevant for political parties as well. If there were one political party we would be China or Soviet Russia. We currently have two and they are at each other’s throats. Why don’t we try something else and create a third party?

The Tea Party is poised to create itself as a third party by taking the religious right away from the republicans while also giving voice to many libertarians. In reaction to this, the democrats on the Far left are pushing to go further left. This creates a vacuum for the Republican Party. They have a choice, either follow the Tea Party into the extreme wings, or take a look at themselves and return to their roots. President Abraham Lincoln, the Liberal Republican. So man up Republican’s and look at where the market is going, you can do better for yourselves and the nation by becoming extremists. Extreme moderates, or, as I am, Liberal Republicans.

733 days ago Short URL 6 Comments

About Me/DC/Politics

Apr

About This Blog

I have been pretty busy with life in DC but I have created this blog to fill many of you in with what is going on in my life. It is where I will rant and rave and flesh out my own internal ideas and policies on politics, religion, exercise, GLEE, etc.

It is the blog of an unashamed, unabashed Gay Mormon who has a lot of ideas in his head. Some of them may suck, some of them may be great, and some of them may come from far off in left field. If you have the time please let me know how you feel about my writings and ideas. Leave a comment, shoot me an email or just click the new buttons below.

The title and URL are both taken from the musical Spring Awakening. As I was looking for audition music a couple of months ago I discovered the song “All That’s Known.” The protagonist, Melchoir, sings it at the beginning of the show. To me it represents the beginning of a Hero’s Journey.

Melchoir, dissatisfied with the lack of free thought, sing about how he knows that there is so much more to find. He can tell simply by looking at himself. I relate to this song and also know that there is far too much that I don’t know. So the title of the blog – “All That’s Known” – serves as a constant reminder to me that I have yet to discover all that’s known and that I need to keep pushing to go, as Lewis states, Further up and Further in.

The URL, David’s Awakening, serves as an allusion to the musical. It also is symbolic of when I am starting this blog. I began this blog with a copy of my talk at a fireside re: homosexuality and the Church. When I moved to DC I made a promise to be honest, completely honest with everything. That being said I wasn’t going to broadcast my sexuality.

This fireside was the turning point in that personal policy. I realized that staying silent about who I was was actually causing me to lie. I would avoid questions, answer with non-gender specific pronouns, etc. I realized I was going back to my life as a lie and knew I had to change. I had to have my own rite of spring as it were and awaken into a new person. A person recommitted to honesty, a person devoted to being who I am regardless of the views of others.

And so I David Baker am a 21-year old policy wonk, gay, Mormon, a fencer, a blogger, a priesthood holder, a thinker, and someone who has his whole life ahead of him, it’s time for me to begin my own hero’s journey.

764 days ago Short URL Comments

About Me/DC

Mar

A Fireside Chat

So today I had the chance to talk at a fireside with David Pruden the Executive Director of Evergreen. Below is my written talk as well as the audio recorded from the pulpit.

Hi, my name is David Baker and I would like to welcome you to this fireside about homosexuality and the church. To start out, lets point out the big elephant in the room. That’s right, you guessed it. I am an avid reader; I am also a fencer, a Son of God, and 21. If I kept going with this list you would also hear that I am Gay and that I’m Mormon. I am not just a gay Mormon. I am so much more. I am your brother, your friend, and your home teacher.

All of you, at some point, interact with someone in your ward who is homosexual. Let me take a couple of minutes and tell you my story and hopefully illustrate how you can help fellowship these members in of your wards.

Throughout my life I have always known that I was attracted to guys. I first felt this attraction when I was 6 or 7 but I never put a label on it until I was older. I have borne a struggle that some have described as my “thorn in my flesh,” I would more aptly describe it as, a struggle with God; call it my own personal wrestling match with the Lord.

In the midst of my struggle, I pored over scripture; over the words of the prophets; I read every commentary I could find on homosexuality and Christianity, like I said, I am an avid reader.

There was a time in my struggle that my search for answers left me empty handed, my prayers felt unanswered and I even felt that I was past feeling, that I wasn’t good enough for God’s love. The struggle in my life felt like an internal fight between what every fiber in my body told me was right versus what I had been raised and taught was right.

Beyond all of this I felt and knew that I had to commit my life not to what I wanted, but what was right and true. There were times I felt like Joseph Smith praying to know which church was true. I was struggling to understand how I could have these attractions, such a deep emotional, spiritual, mental, and yes, physical desire to be with another man and yet be told that I was damaged, possessed, or flat out going to hell. I craved the truth so much and was being pulled down in this wrestling match that eventually, after pleading with my Heavenly Father to let me know the truth, I got to a point where my mind thought of the one way I could find out the truth. I could see beyond the veil by taking my own life.

The pain I felt caused me to want to end my life and everything about it. I ended up in the hospital and while recovering I decided that I needed look at the big picture and simply put my trust in the Lord. Over the next months I switched from asking the Lord “What is the right thing, what is the truth here?” to instead ask, “What would you have me do?”

I began to follow the psalm of Nephi

“O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God.”

This didn’t give me the answers I sought, but it did allow me to pray with a fuller heart to the Lord. I became a practitioner of Islam. No not the religion, but rather the principle of the word Islam meaning Submission; Submission to God, to the will of the Lord. The concept of submitting myself fully to the Lord helped to calm my mind but it still left questions unanswered. “How do I submit to thee oh Lord?” “What do you need me to do?”

There is an African proverb that states: “When you pray, move your feet.” I followed this as I continued to search for answers following the advice of Nephi. I sought to feel the spirit and to be guided by its light rather than the words of men telling me which way I should go. I went to the temple nearly everyday searching to know what I should do. My prayers changed from “Lord How can you expect me to live in agony?” to “Where should I step next. I am prepared to walk thy path, where wouldst thou have me go?”

There is a Buddhist story that describes the mindset I eventually learned, it goes like this:

A Great Teacher was gathered together with his disciples one morning, when a man came up to him.
‘Does God exist?’ he asked.
‘He does,’ replied Teacher.
After lunch, another man came up to him.
‘Does God exist?’ he asked.
‘No, he doesn’t,’ said Teacher.
Later that afternoon, a third man asked the same question: ‘Does God exist?’
‘That’s for you to decide,’ replied Teacher.
As soon as the man had gone, one of his disciples remarked angrily:
‘But that’s absurd, Master! How can you possibly give such different answers to the same question?’
Replied the Teacher, ‘because they are all different people, and each one of them will reach God by his own path. The first man will believe what I say. The second will do everything he can to prove me wrong. The third will only believe in what he is allowed to choose for himself.’

To me, I had many paths in front of me and I was willing to take action, with real intent. One morning while I was in the temple, I prayed to Heavenly Father and asked, “Heavenly Father, what would you have me do? If you need me to search for a wife I will; if you need me to remain celibate I will; If you need me to physically castrate myself, to ‘cut off that which offends thee’ I will do it for thee Lord, I could just use some guidance as to which path I should take.”

It was then that I had a specific and personal revelation; a spiritual prompting identical to my testimony of God, Christ, the Infinite Atonement, and the Book of Mormon. I was told that none of these options were for right for me. I didn’t need to castrate myself; I wasn’t meant for a wife; nor for celibacy, but rather that I should open my heart and mind to the possibility of a future husband and adopted children.

Like Nephi questioning God when commanded to break the commandments and slay Laban, I struggled and wrestled with this revelation. I felt like Jonah, paralyzed by the fear of following God. I know that this path is NOT for everyone, and I was shocked and wouldn’t have thought it would be mine.

I feel like Jacob who had finished his wrestling with God and before he would let up asked for a blessing. Jacob was granted a new name and was given the power of God, yea even the priesthood. As I began to submit to this revelation and opened up my heart to the possibility, I have gained a greater portion of the spirit and a stronger testimony of the gospel.

I stand before you now and bear witness to you that this happened to me, it is part of my solemn testimony, something I know I was told to do. Because of this, I have been told that I am possessed by Satan, or guided by the lusts of my heart, but I assure you that not a day goes by that I don’t ask Heavenly Father for more light, more knowledge concerning this revelation.

That struggle of mine, while not fully over, has become a blessing and not a trial. Like the Zoramites whose afflictions humbled them, I too was humbled by my struggle and in that humility I approached the Lord. In return He followed his promise found in Ether 12:27:

I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I testify to you that the Lord has made my burden a blessing and my weakness strength. He did so in personal revelation that illustrates to me that any mortal man that tells you, “This is what is right for you and for everyone” is simply wrong. I admonish you to lean not unto your own understanding or the understanding of men, but to trust in the Lord with all thy heart and might.

I do still have many struggles; mainly the lack of understanding and knowledge of how to fellowship gay members. Oftentimes members say, “It is just like any other addiction, like alcoholism.” Or that we are “just like any single member of the church who doesn’t get married” or that “Judgment isn’t like a footrace, who crossed the finish line fastest, but like a diving competition where we are graded against the difficulty of the dive.” All too often, these conversations lead to further turmoil and pain and sadly suicide.

In Friday’s Washington Post, Archbishop Desmond Tutu stated;

“My scientist and medical friends have shared with me a reality that so many gay people have confirmed, I now know it in my heart to be true. No one chooses to be gay. Sexual orientation, like skin color, is another feature of our diversity as a human family. Isn’t it amazing that we are all made in God’s image, and yet there is so much diversity among his people? Does God love his dark- or his light-skinned children less? The brave more than the timid? And does any of us know the mind of God so well that we can decide for him who is included, and who is excluded, from the circle of his love?”

I hope and pray that together we can come together to find better ways of fellowshipping each other by looking past any “problems” in others and instead focus on helping the other person become and do what the Lord would have them be and do.

In parting I leave you with Elder Oak’s closing statement from his most recent address to Harvard Law School.

“Continuing revelation opens the canon as readers of the scripture, under the influence of the Holy Ghost, find new scriptural meaning and direction for their personal circumstances. The apostle Paul wrote that “all scripture is given by inspiration of God” (2 Timothy 3:16; also see 2 Peter 1:21) and that “the things of God knoweth no man, except he has the Spirit of God” (1 Corinthians 2:11, Joseph Smith Translation). This means that in order to understand scripture we need personal inspiration from the Spirit of the Lord to enlighten our minds. Consequently, we encourage our members to study the scriptures and prayerfully seek inspiration to know their meanings for themselves.”

I pray that we will open up our hearts and minds to understand the mysteries of God and help fellowship all members who are wrestling with the Lord. I bear my testimony to you of the truth of the Gospel and in the power of the Holy Ghost. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that Thomas S. Monson is the current prophet and president of the church. I know that the book of Mormon is true and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

797 days ago Short URL 4 Comments

About Me/Fireside/Story/Talk

Mar

A New Blog?

So after a blogging hiatus, I realize that having a blog will be a great way for me to update ya’ll on my life. I haven’t been good about blogging lately, but I need to get back into it. The old blog I have is for my journey as a MoHo and figuring out my life. Now that I am secure with who I am, this blog will focus on me as a whole person, not specifically as a gay Mormon. You who know me will enjoy it and those who want to get to know me, well here is a good place to start!

798 days ago Short URL 4 Comments

About Me/Hello World

May

Seperation of Church & Gay – The Sound of Settling

You know those times when you are asked to prepare a talk or a lesson and you have the distinct feeling that the preparation of said lesson is more important than the actual deliverance of it? Usually that is what is said if no one listens, shows up, or if you end up not giving it for some reason, but ever so often, one comes around where you know it was the guiding hand of the lion for you to prepare that talk or lesson.

Well I had one of those experiences today. Last night I was asked at 6:30 PM to prepare a lesson for Sunday school today. (First off, I am a member of this class and so teaching it is … awkward, Second I was asked just under 18 hours before. These are one of the 2 things I hate about UT Mormon culture BTW, but that is another post entirely) Today, after preparing the lesson, I got to my class to be confronted with one other member, someone who has had 1/3 of his brain removed and is now… how to put this nicely… his place in the Celestial kingdom is assured. So besides having the prompting all throughout my preparations last night, it was confirmed today that this lesson was meant for me to learn a great deal from. And I did.

My Patriarchal blessing states a couple of things about the celestial kingdom that have, since coming out, left me feeling down. For instance it states “Through your honest effort and the gift of Jesus Christ you will be able to inherit eternal glory, with your eternal companion, in the celestial kingdom where glory and happiness never end.” Looking at this in context of my homosexuality it as left me kind of depressed that I will not be able to enter the celestial kingdom or it has galvanized me to believing that the celestial kingdom can be shared with an eternal same-sex companion. Largely it has led me to become depressed, feeling like I will be destined to live in the terrestrial kingdom (a great place) and knowing that I could have had celestial glory. This thought process is interesting because of the section right before this in my blessing that states “You will be acutely aware that you are not perfect and have faults, but never let this bring you down, for Satan wants you to think that you are just not good enough to return to Heavenly Father in the Celestial kingdom.”

What was interesting was the fact that the lesson I was to prepare was “Kingdoms of Glory,” and it talked all about the 3 kingdoms and Outer Darkness. I was planning on having to teach the high school juniors and seniors as well so I prepared to have a dumb down basics version with deep thought questions should the basics not be enough. Well in going over everything I was focusing on things I had questions about, largely progression between kingdoms and whether there were 3 or infinite kingdoms of glory. It wasn’t until I was in the car with my brother-in-law (another blog post concerning him is forthcoming) and I mentioned the last minute assignment that he, in his infinite trivia-focused mind, asked “what is the only thing required to enter the celestial kingdom?” I in my depressed state offered the answer of “temple marriage.” I was wrong. Turns out the only ordinance (what he meant by thing I am sure) is baptism (which everyone will have BTW). That is the only physical ordinance required for entrance into the celestial kingdom. This struck me as odd until I remembered, like a big dumb idiot, that there is a difference between Celestial Glory and Exaltation.

All too often we in the church lump celestial glory and exaltation together. I heard it told to me by my bishop’s daughter while we were talking over everything earlier this week when she asked me if I would sacrifice the celestial kingdom by marrying a man? Granted I don’t know if she was confusing exaltation and celestial glory, but when she said it I sure combined the two, leaving me with “if I marry a man I inherit Terrestrial glory at the greatest.” I think this is one of the reasons I have been so depressed and confused concerning the possibility of exalted homosexual partners.

I have spent a lot of time contemplating and conceptualizing a way for there to be exalted same-sex partners (males at least, sorry ladies something about priesthood power). The one hang-up I had was something that I had thought of and no one has yet to point it out as a possibility for an error in my logical approach but me. Given that Intelligences are called forth into spirits by priesthood power, then there really needs to be no eternal sex, meaning no eternal need for opposite only exalted couples. The problem comes in with the creation of man. Now, because sex in general is a taboo word let alone eternal sex as a topic in Sunday School there is little proof for this, but I wonder where Adam came from. 3 theories have presented themselves to me, largely because the mud man principle doesn’t make sense as literal and must be symbolic.

1, Evolution within the “6 days” happened as Darwin claimed it did with the body of what is now Homo Erectus evolving out of primordial ooze into chimps into homo erectus and when Heavenly Father/Jehovah breathed the Spirit Michael into the body it became Adam (man, Homo Sapien). 2, the Body of man was transplanted from another species from another planet, as prophets believe happened with all other life on earth, and then filled with the spirit becoming Adam. 3, Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother had sex and due to their perfected resurrected bodies created a perfect human in the image of God that was quickened with the spirit of Michael and then raised in the Garden (or sprang forth fully formed), then after the fall (namely the partaking of the fruit) the body became mortal and thus no longer perfected.

The second approach seems to not work because then Man was created in the image of Heavenly Father’s relative and not him and regardless it had to start somewhere. Number 1 is more plausible and in fact could probably happen (it does explain dinosaurs) and we are after the image of our father due to the breathing in of the spirit which changes us from Homo Erectus into Homo Sapiens. However, a part of it hasn’t set well with me and only the third option really works in my mind, but it has two flaws, one it precludes a same gender God companionship, hence the difficulty, and it doesn’t explain how things originally began with the first God, but this one is explained away by the “it doesn’t have a beginning” principle that our mere mortal minds can not grasp. So I have been left with this one possibility, the 3^rd approach, that doesn’t fit for me, meaning I have to marry against my orientation or not enter into celestial glory. At least that was my thought process, depressing I know!

The amazing part of this entire lesson learning experience happened in realizing and remembering the difference between a Celestial Glory and Exaltation. I might be the only one who crosses these together as one but I know that it has made me depressed because of this (thanks Satan!). Exaltation is not meant for everyone. It is an Eternal weight of Glory. Think of how infinitely difficult it would be to sit and watch as your only begotten son suffered everything for all of us and you had the power to stop it and save your son. Melvin J. Ballard put it best here

God heard the cry of His Son in that moment of great grief and agony, in the garden when, it is said the pores of His body opened and drops of blood stood upon Him, and He cried out: “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me.”

I ask you, what father and mother could stand by and listen to the cry of their children in distress, in this world, and not render aid and assistance? …

He [Heavenly Father] saw that Son finally upon Calvary; He saw His body stretched out upon the wooden cross; He saw the cruel nails driven through hands and feet, and the blows that broke the skin, tore the flesh, and let out the life’s blood of His Son. He looked upon that.

In the case of our Father, the knife was not stayed, but it fell, and the life’s blood of His Beloved Son went out. His Father looked on with great grief and agony over His Beloved Son, until there seems to have come a moment, when even our Savior cried out in despair: “My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?”

In that hour I think I can see our dear Father behind the veil looking upon these dying struggles until even He could not endure it any longer; and, like the mother who bids farewell to her dying child, has to be taken out of the room so as not to look upon the last struggles, so He bowed His head, and hid in some part of His universe, His great heart almost breaking for the love that He had for His Son. Oh, in that moment when He might have saved His Son, I thank Him and praise Him that He did not fail us, for He had not only the love of His Son in mind, but He also had love for us.

Parents out there I know you have felt a taste of this in parenthood and it is bitter-sweet. Imagine the Eternal weight of that. Now so often we are taught to seek after exaltation and hey I think we should, but also too often we view it as exaltation or failure, that if we give up striving for exaltation we are settling for sin, but in the infinite love that our Father has for us we know that it is not, even if I lose sight of it sometimes.

I can fully accept the possibility that I might not be meant for exaltation. I do not even know if it is something that I want. I do know that I want celestial glory and seek to live with Heavenly Father and will strive to accomplish that goal, but it doesn’t require a temple marriage. It only requires giving all we have in the service of God and Christ, in the service of our fellow men. This is why I love this C.S. Lewis quote so much.

It may be possible for each of us to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbour. The load, or weight, or burden, of my neighbour’s glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such as you now meet if at all only in a nightmare. All day long we are in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities it is with awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations–these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry,snub, and exploit–immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously–no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners–no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden.

This quote so exemplifies the goal of all those who seek to enter the Celestial Kingdom and return to his presence. Love the Lord they God and Love thy neighbor as thyself. Things which I, in a committed Gay relationship, could accomplish.

Given the distinction between Exaltation and Celestial Glory, and the difficult simplicity with which we can enter into the celestial kingdom, I can see an easy path for broader acceptance of homosexuality in the church. It might simply be that both parties are right. That exaltation is meant for a traditional couple and that the act of eternal procreation is a key facet in the eternities, in becoming gods and goddesses, in exaltation. It could also be right that Heavenly Father, in his infinite love, would not place so many of his children in a situation that, particularly for those who are not born into this church, is so easy to not return to him and instead has a distinct plan for his GBLT children in the Celestial Kingdom, and not cut off from their families in a lesser glory. It depends entirely on the willingness of each individual to accept the doctrine of Christ and do all that is necessary and within their power to follow him. To focus on those who are downtrodden, heavy-laden, with their arms hanging low and bring them up through service and love. To focus on keeping all of the commandments that we can, ie. Word of Wisdom, Law of Chastity, and Tithing.

Perhaps it is our mission, perhaps only mine, to follow in the footsteps of John (Young Stranger) and continue going to church and remaining as active as possible even after excommunication. Perhaps we should, when comfortable and impressed by the spirit, bear our testimonies to our wards. Because if we leave then the leaders of the Church can simply ignore us and quite possibly Heavenly Father will as well. And the Members will, as all too often happens when someone leaves the church, discount all that we say and will not listen to the truth that we testify of, the truth that we know in our hearts that God loves all of his children, even us and that we all have the chance for Celestial Glory. But if we come out, come out en masse, come out in our wards and stay active amidst the storm, be the resource that our ward members can come to, to learn the truth just as they ask investigators to approach them and not the Anti-crowd. If we come out, and not until then, the hearts of the saints and the leaders may be softened and perhaps that is what is needed to reveal the mysteries of God unto the Church concerning us.

And if it turns out that temple marriage is necessary in the world to come in order to enter the celestial kingdom (which D&C 131:1-2 states it isn’t) and it has to be with an opposite sex companion, then I would be willing to sacrifice what I have had here on earth for a temple marriage prepared during the millennium when all truth is restored. And if, not until that time, I am allowed to take a husband into a temple marriage, I will glory in the Father for his love and compassion for me an insignificant, imperfect son who still has much to learn even beyond the veil. Regardless, I will serve the Lord in the eternities, be it in separation from an earthly male companion, joined together with an eternal female companion, or joined together with an eternal male companion who was my earthly companion, I will not let my personal preferences interfere with the Lord’s plan for me.

P.S. Wow this got long fast, hence the double title.

P.S.S This doesn’t mean I have made any sort of decision as to how I will spend my life in the classical MoHo Dilemma sense, but it does mean that I have leaped yet another hurdle in my way.

1092 days ago Short URL 12 Comments

About Me/Balance/MoHo Dilemma

Mar

Hiroshima and the Cold War

So last Sunday I cam out online to facebook and subsequently the world The following is my note that I cam out with:

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The Real Me Comes Right Out

Today I turn 20. Much has happened this past year to put my life into perspective. Last year was my first year at the University of Utah and my second year of college. I attended BYU for one year but left for personal reasons. A year ago I was preparing to go on a mission, doing all I could to live the righteous life that was expected of me. But 7 months ago I finally recognized a crucial fact. I am gay.

For many who know me this will come as a shock. To you, my friends, I say this. Being gay doesn’t mean I’m a sex-crazed fiend, or a pedophile, or a deviant. It simply means that physically, emotionally, and mentally, I find men more attractive than women. I didn’t choose this. And to anyone who knows me and still says it’s a choice, I ask you to look at my life and what I care about and then ask yourself why I would choose it.

Who would choose to live a life persecuted and hated? Living a life of internalized homophobia, of self-hatred? Who, honestly who would choose that? Look at the David you know. Do you really think I would choose this? Given a choice between lifelong persecution and a nice easy life living the American dream of a wife, a white picket fence, 3 kids and a dog, why on earth would I choose persecution?

Looking back I can see many times when I should have realized this about myself but instead allowed my mind to repress it. This realization has changed my focus and my outlook on life. You see, I am also Mormon and have a hell of a time reconciling these two parts of myself. These are my twin souls as it were, my Yin and Yang.

You see, for a gay Mormon, there are only really two choices:

1. Remain celibate, dedicating myself to the Church and living a life of service, with marriage being an option only if you can manage to develop feelings for a girl (a difficult prospect for most gay guys)
2. Choose not to remain celibate but instead choose any other option–which might run the gamut from a monogamous lifelong marriage or partnership to recreational sex and promiscuity–these are all against the Church’s policy and seen as equally “sinful”.

Those of you who know me know that I am very analytical. I often times think too much into an issue, not so much that I can’t make a decision, but often just shy of that.

But I can’t analyze my way out of these choices. I’ve tried, and the result is a lot of depressed self-hatred. This is not good. In fact, once it got so bad that I tried to take my own life. I’m never going to do that again.

And that’s why I have decided, for now at least, to simply set aside for a while this dilemma between my church and my orientation, this internal constant arguing over which to choose. I need “an hour of peace and rest.” This is one of the reasons that for Lent I have given up all discussion about this issue that might spark further turmoil in my mind. This includes discussions about it and most of my interactions with my LDS friends who are also gay. I’ve also decided to give up participating in church for Lent as so often church is another spark for my internal debate.

I have two reasons for doing this. First, to train my brain to be able to set issues aside and take them up later after some peaceful deliberation. Second, to spend the time I would have otherwise spent debating in turning to God, to Christ and to the Holy Ghost for comfort, support, and help in finding what I must do.

The greatest desire of my heart is not to do what I want, but to do what is right. I want so much to be able to be guided by the spirit of truth in my life. I want to be able to know what is right and to live it. To achieve Satyagraha, the willingness to endure personal suffering if necessary in order to do what is right. This is not easy.

Whatever the result of my efforts, however, I can no longer stay inside the closet. I can no longer sit idly by while many of my friends do not know who I am. I cannot sit here and let you look at me without seeing me.

So I plead with you my friends to look at the person next to you, try to see them for who they really are, and try to love them unconditionally just like our Savior would. Not to say you love them but not their “sin” for then it would be conditional, but to love them simply for who they are.

As for me, I am David. I love God, musicals, music, dancing, fencing, reading, school, politics, men, flying, humor, Christ, Shakespeare, YouTube, driving and dogs. But not because I’m gay. Being gay is only a small part of who I am. I am so much more than just that. Now I have to hope and pray that you my friends will see and understand that and, now that you know who I really am, our friendships can be stronger than ever.

Want to know about me, visit my blog at http://mohodichotomy.blogspot.com

*note the people tagged are those who wished me happy birthday before I posted this or who can distribute this news to my various networks of friends or are people who I think need to know/can tell those around them who know me but aren’t on facebook.

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That was the equivalent in my life of the Uranium 235 “little boy” being dropped by the Enola Gay. It has forever changed my life. the following is the fallout of this devastating climax to date which, in conjunction with the nuclear theme I have dubbed the Cold War.

Via Facebook All of the comments I have recieved both in the note and out of it have been words of encouragement. This makes me feel glad to live in a society of acceptance rather than one of fear and hatred. However, and I know this sounds lame and crappy and self centered and pathetic in comparison to the hate I could have experienced, I have had silence from a majority of my friends concerning this. Nigh a peep out of them and this… This frustrates me because I would rather have them tell me their true feelings instead of having me sit here and think “well they hate me, are disgusted by me, they feel that if they have nothing to say that they shouldn’t say anything at all.” These thoughts are hurtful and I would rather face the blows of a thousand words that are flung at me than create them falsely.

Off of facebook, my message has spread rather virally. By wednesday night I had recieved a text from someone int he ward who doesn’t have a facebook account, by the family of one of my facebook friends. Today, after waking up I decided to visit the ward and go to sacrament meeting at least for the sacrament. I got there late and after the sacrament so rather than sneak in and sit in my usual spot at the front of the chapel, I waited outside until the choir was set to sing and I joined them and then sat in my pew. I listened to the rest of the meeting with the intention of staying at church until I could get the sacrament form the 20th ward which met from 1-4.

While sitting down I got many looks of positive reinforcment from the members of my ward who are facebook frineds and I also had other looks from members that spoke volumes of ?disgust? no thats not quite the word I am looking for but it give you the idea. So After Church I made my way out from the front row to go to my car to grab my iPod and my Joseph Smith manual so I could study and have something to do for the next hour. On my way out I was pulled aside by my SS teacher who I had all but come out to previously and he offered me the encouragement and told me that he had read my letter and thought that it was very well written and he and I will talk later this week.

After I got my stuff from my car I went to the last pew and started to study while waiting and several people who I have had little contact with in my ward, came up and payed me special attention. While no one besides my SS teacher vocally mentioned that they knew I had come out, I could tell that several including some of the wives of the leaders I have been working with and some old friends, and the others who I shall not name by name here as that is kind of tacky.

Overall, so far, it has been good, but I can easily see this blowing up in my face especially as I am about to befriend via Facebook the friends from Peter Pan who have requested my friendship and the news of my orientation spreads throughout the school. Overall it has been a good experience and in fact me coming out has helped several people come out to me and I think that that is wonderful. So far the member of my ward who I am pretty sure is struggling with coming to terms with himself (we will call him Calaban) has yet to mention anything but then again he doesn’t have a facebook.

I am glad that I have come out and hpe that I can help break the stereotypes that are seen across this church and across the world as what “Gay” really means. I hope that Lord I can be an instrument of thy peace and I feel much like Joseph Smith did when he was able to finally share the paltes with the three witnesses. He was so relieed that he could have his burden lightened by his fellow brethren. I am glad that this has happened and in fact I have been able to already stop lying about everything. I was able to tell a kid in my class that I had just come out and finally I didn’t have to keep lying. It is such a relief to stop playing this role of a lifetime and instead be liberated and cut free from the bonds of self-imprisonment.

1162 days ago Short URL 12 Comments

About Me/Balance/Coming Out/MoHo Dilemma

David B Baker

Filed under About Me …