Now I have grown up more and I have spend some time learning a bit more. I know who Dewey was and how President Truman wouldn’t go down without a fight and that spirit helped him beat Dewey in the Presidential Election of 1948 despite everyone at the convention thinking he was down for the count. I am currently reading a couple of books about Truman to learn even more, but the most interesting thing happened to me the other day as I quoted his favorite phrase in a discussion to a friend.

As I was telling my friend, in Washington DC everyone thinks that they know it all or at least pretends to know it all so that they don’t look dumb. If you’ve ever had that friend who is too stubborn to ask for help in understanding something and then went along as if they understood it, she probably would fit in well in DC. I fully admit that I do this as well at times, but I am working on it.

The problem with this attitude is that it often causes problems and when those problems start no one wants to step up to the plate and say “I did it, it was my fault.” I have talked about this before when an Umpire owned up to his mistake making national news and later when Sarah Palin claimed that a typo was her coining a new word. These are just a couple of examples, where I have discussed this, but I have seen it take place on a smaller scale all the time.

Now this is what is so profound about Truman, he made certain everyone knew that “The Buck Stopped Here” with him, and that he wouldn’t pass the blame but own up to it. It wasn’t until this last week that I realized how rare this was in our society and especially in DC.

I want you to do something for me, next time you get a chance to talk to your Representative or Senator ask them the question “When was the last time that you truly messed up in such a big way that you couldn’t fix it?” This is a standard job interview question that I bet most politicians will be ill-prepared for and will likely involve some buck passing.

When you find someone who is willing to own up to his mistakes and tell you why he did what he did and that he messed up, but for a reason that makes sense to the broader good, then that is your guy and you should stick to him until he starts passing the buck. Why? Because in DC, we need Honest people leading, not those who are afraid to admit they are wrong or they don’t know.

Does anyone else find that moment when you uncover another of Satan’s tactics to be just delightful? My experience as a Gay Mormon has been defined by many periods of depression, failed relationships and frustration with the Church mixed with equally happy periods of joy, imaginary dreams coming true, and peace.

As I was sitting here today the thoughts of the last few weeks crept up on me and I realized that this thought of mine that I should stop looking for love and a husband and instead marry my career is another of Satan’s techniques to make me feel like I am worth less than I truly am.

For the past while I have been contemplating just taking a clean break from my personal hopes and dreams for the future and instead focus on the future of my career and my long term goals. For a short while I loved this idea. After all I had just spent 8 months bouncing around the country for my career and I am loving every long day i spend doing work.

But lately as I started to go on dates just to stay in the loop I have started to get depressed more than usual. I have been worried about what the next steps and how I get from “A” to “D” in a slow, steady, smooth way and not in the typical LDS way of 3 dates and your engaged. I’ve never really had a relationship last for longer than a couple of months and I am terrible and even keeping friendships up for a decent amount of time (especially when separated by a lot of distance).

These thoughts have all paralyzed me, left me frozen in depression leaning more and more towards saying “Enough” and simply living a life married to my career. The problem with this is that after coming to terms with personal revelation I received int he temple about how I need to search for a husband I made a covenant with the Lord to put my trust in him and follow where he led me. That I didn’t know where to go but that if he showed me where, I would walk.

The thought to abandon this search would be breaking my covenant with the Lord. As I sat here tonight pondering all of this I remembered a line from my patriarchal blessing that reads: “[Satan] would harm you terribly if he could but, because of your determination to keep the covenants you have made, he will have no power over you.” In recalling those lines tonight it was like a light shone in on my sadness and I knew why I have been feeling terrible over the past couple of weeks.

This light unmasked the tactic Satan was using and I now can adapt to it and work to get happier. My cynical side of course tells me that this means his next tactic is going to be that much harder to spot and my optimist side tells me I’m free. Meanwhile, the realist inside is reminding me that behind every great man in history is a strong partner who is their helpmeet. How can I marry my career successfully without a partner by my side and children to motivate me to do better?

Okay .. all 4 of you still here I have a proposition for ya’ll. Election years are a twisted ball of emotion that sucks and is wonderful at the same time. Like Ewan McGrgor says in Trainspotting “People think it’s all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it.” Campaigns and election work sucks. I know that at the end of October I am probably going to sear to myself “Never Again” about 1000 times. But that won’t stop me from going back because I love it so much and it feels so grand!

That being said, i know that I am going to need a LONG vacation after the election in November. Something that will let me disconnect from the world for 2 weeks and enjoy myself. My first thought is a cruise, no phone service, internet that costs more/minute than a gallon of gas, endless food, minimal planning, and total relaxation in one of 7 hot tubs. That being said I’m open to other alternatives as well besides a cruise, but that is where my mind is thinking.

Enter: My Problem. I have no travel buddies and a cruise is actually more expensive if I go solo, and likely to be more boring. So I need a travel buddy. Someone who wants to spend the last week in November and the 1st in December completely unplugged from the world on a nice vacation somewhere warm. If you feel like you are up to traveling with me let me know by filling out this form. Any and all takers are welcome and I’ve even included open-ended space for various recommendations and other thoughts should you need it.

I seriously want to have a fun time and need some cool people to come with me. So fill out the information and if I think your view of relaxation works, and that we might not kill each other on the trip than I might just pick you.

My review will be vastly different than Carl’s as I have never read the books before in my life. That being said they will also be similar to Carl’s as we share a love of many fantastical things including Doctor Who, Star Wars, (some) Star Trek, Firefly, and pretty much anything Nerdy. In fact we will often (with our other nerdy friends and roommates long-past) get together to spend an entire night playing nerdy games, eating pizza and watching something science-fictiony. We call them “Man Nights.”

I had understood the basic premise that this was a movie about a guy (John Carter) who lived in the post-Civil War American West who was transported to Mars and had adventures. Really that was all I needed to know to get my interest piqued. Add in some sword-fighting, romance, and cool airships and I’m SO there.

To that extent, Disney/Pixar performed well. I could understand nearly everything that was going on (Unlike Tinker,Tailor, Soldier, Spy) and the mythos that the story created made sense. Cool Shiny Blue Medallion = science tech indistinguishable from magic, lower gravity = higher jumps and more strength, and bad guys = bad guys, you know the stuff you need to build a world and its set of rules.

Where the movie failed, in my view, was the casting. They tried very hard to get the races of Martian Humans (Red Men) to look similar and then distinguished them by the colors they wore, a literal Red vs. Blue scenario. This was confusing to me at one point during a rescue scene where it took me about 3 minutes to realize that the guy rescuing John Carter was Princess’s Friend and not the Evil Dude. Disney certainly got it right when they characterized evil as malificent all those years ago and yet in this film, two polar opposite characters were cut from the same mold (physically) This could have been modified while simultaneously adding a bit of racial integration into the film that was entirely white focused. (well okay, White & Green)

Other than that I thought it was a solid movie that deserved a stronger marketing push from Disney and a better title. If you have a moment this week(end) go see John Carter, it won’t let you down.

Yesterday was my Birthday and at work I had an amazing privilege of having our chef prepare a special menu for my birthday. I chose Chicken & Beef Empanadas with Shrimp Enchiladas, a Southwestern Caesar Salad with Chicken Tortilla soup, and quite a good cake.

As I was leaving the cafeteria with a couple of my coworkers asked me if I had gotten a picture of the cake. Let me pause for a moment here to catch you guys up on a few facts of my life you may have missed.

 

I don’t take photographs that often. If you take a look at my Facebook albums you will see very few photos that aren’t simply re-shared from somewhere else. And even when I do take photographs they are usually of cool things like some jewels at the Natural History Museum or things I find funny. I hardly document my life … at all. Okay, un pause.

When my coworker asked me if I had taken a picture of it my reaction was apparently a “scoff” followed by “I don’t keep mementos” with such an air that apparently I came off as if I live a spartan existence.

It was then that I realized again, that I do live a spartan life and I’m okay with it. I packed up all my things into my car thrice over the past year, largely by duping about half of my stuff each move.

For those who gave me hallmark cards, I’m sorry they were removed from my life a long time ago, but the memory of your words were not. To all the broadway plays I’ve seen I’ve only kept a couple of your playbills but that doesn’t mean I love you any less. And to my family of whom I only have a single photo from my sister’s wedding I’m sorry. I really do love you.

I guess what I am saying is that apparently my actions make people see me as Spartan and Heartless. I don’t collect memories I dump them, and the ones I do collect live in a shoe box.

Well my life is about growing and fixing flaws I have in my character and so I have an idea that combines Vision boards, CharlieIsSoCoolLike’s Wall of Stuff, and my book of limited mementos to try and, as it were, help me find a heart.

As I have moved into a new place I not have clean, blank walls on which to make a vision-boarded wall of stuff and so over the next few weeks expect a few updates about my additions to David Baker’s “I’m totally not heartless but have feelings … Wall”

What is shocking to me is that, with all I’ve been through, that I am only 23. Whenever people try to guess how old I am they always guess high, and usually closer towards 28-30 than 22. I guess this is because I have “old eyes” as I have been told before.

When I was in 2nd grade I remember teaching the librarian and teachers how to use a real search engine and not HotBot. It was then that I became an adolescent by realizing that adults & parents didn’t have all the answers.

This trend continued throughout elementary school, and even got me into trouble when I gave a kid a paperclip to pick a lock knowing that no 5th grader could pick a master-lock with a plastic paperclip. Why did I give it to him? Because there was nothing wrong with that act, when I tried to explain this to the principal his reaction was to treat me, not as a rational human being, but as a petulant child (granted I was in 5th grade) and have me suspended.

I was lucky enough to be placed in an accelerated learning program for 1st grade that jump-started my brain and put me in the advanced classes every year where I learned to think critically, and more importantly, think for myself and by myself. This helped me take an AP History exam without ever taking the class and scoring sufficiently well on it because I took the time to study on my own as a sophomore in High School.

I took those skills, studied up on the school systems of two states, and found out a way to graduate from high school a full year early without any extra classes. Why? because school was holding me back, and the kids were terrible to me.

It was then in college where I took some time to be “normal” and not jump ahead but that lasted for all of 2 semesters before I was already fast-tracking myself because I felt ahead of the curve. During that time I also struggled with coming out and figuring out how to stay alive, how to build lasting friendships with bits & bytes of people.

I found a job in the down economy of 2009 in a flooded market of DC, worked my way into a position that I loved at the company, and then used that position and experience to get a job at one of the most amazing companies I have ever seen, filled with brilliant people. I also work with clients who are serious influencers who I see on TV or in the Washington Post or Politco at least once-a-week.

…. and almost none of them know I’m just 22 right now.

I have contemplated & toyed with the idea of just starting to tell people I am 25 when they ask. But then I realize one crucial thing. I have done all of this and I am 23, but Mark Zuckerburg is 27, and Daniel Radcliffe is still 22. CharlieIsSoCoolLike is 23-ish, and Representative Aaron Schock is only 30. The same thing for countless other awesome people that have gone before me. Compared to them my accomplishments are garbage, and it is in that bittersweet light that I proudly stand up and say that I am 23 today, and glad to be just where I am.

Over the past 9 months I have moved 3 times, From DC to San Francisco to Ann Arbor and now back to DC. In each of those moves I have completely uprooted myself from my surroundings, my friends, my job, and pretty much everything I knew, starting out witha  fresh clean slate. Sure that might sound nice, but it also is terrifying sometimes. It was in this fear that a couple of months ago I realized that all of this moving, all this shifting around had left me pretty much focused on the short-term. Not even the short-term of a year, but more like the next month … maybe two.

During this realization I recalled an article I had read by Kevin Kelly, editor of Wired magazine, called “The Quantifiable Self.” In it he discusses a group of people dedicated to “self knowledge through numbers,” people who collect data on every aspect of their lives (when they go to bed, when they get up, what they eat, when they eat, how they feel, what the weather was like, where they went, etc.) and then cross-tab it so that you can learn that when you eat avocados you feel depressed and when you eat oranges you are happy. The do this on a massive scale so that as you collect more and more data using automated tools your database grows to the point of identifying quantifiable aspects of your life. The concept is to run countless experiments with yourself and use the data you collect to improve your life just a little bit each day.

Also during this realization I was reading the Dune Chronicles by Frank Herbert in which there is a class of people known as “mentats” who are human computers. Think of Rain Man mixed with a photographic memory and IBM’s Watson with the personality of Sherlock Holmes. Basically the type of character that already draws me in based on their thoughts and not on their physical talents mixed with the long-term generation planning that comes with that rational thought.

Together these two aspects helped me to decide that I was going to start collecting data on myself and start becoming more quantified. To an extent I have already started doing this, for instance I know that avocados give me gas to rival Skelator after a breakfast burrito, while guacamole seems to have no effect. I just ordered a “FitBit” device that should help me keep track of some of this data, and until I get into a habit of it by doing a little bit each day, I have the community at The Quantified Self to help me get going.

Hopefully this will provide stability, consistency, and at the very least, more insight into my entire being so that, just like this week, I am not blindsided by traumatic memories like my parents divorce 10 years ago today, but instead can prepare for them and learn techniques, food, activities, and data-driven facts to combat the feelings of depression that bring me down.

And so it is with that concept, and that mentality, that I have redesigned my blog yet again to a place where I focus on data to try and influence both my life and the world at large by substantiating my claims to views with facts, not speculation.

Since last Lent I have joined the workforce at Google and have been surrounded by brilliant people who think drastically differently than I do. That workforce is also sustained by us normal people who think things simply because. Despite (or maybe because of) Google’s reputation of hiring the best & brightest (just ask one of these books) and being the top company to work for in 2012, there are still plenty of times when I catch myself calling out to the heavens and wondering “what this idiot was thinking.”

I have seen this attitude in myself most recently because I see it happen in my coworker who usually adds an expletive in the midst of that phrase. I catch myself thinking that I know best, that I know how things are supposed to go, that I am right without giving true credence to the thoughts of others and their point of view. It makes me come across as an arrogant prick and I want to try and curb this mentality while I still can, lest I turn into a megalomanic.

To be fair, I have never been given many opportunities to be humbled at my lack of knowledge in a given area. I started out elementary school in program for the Gifted and Talented where I was in-between a 3rd & 4th grade level by the time I finished 1st grade. I coasted through school and even passed an AP exam in History after minimal study on a plane 2 days before and having never taken the class. It wasn’t until I was in college that I felt out of my league and that I actually had to work, but since coming out I either forgot that humbling freshman year or have chalked it up to my tumultuous time coming out that followed in lock-step. After collage I was able to find a job quickly, especially considering the lack of a job market in 2009, and from there earn a promotion and then leave the company to join Google.

Clearly I have not had the chance to have the world beat me down in order to become humble and so this lent, it is my attempt to do that to myself because I see that I could use it sometimes. This one is going to be a bit trickier than my last couple of Lenten practices as I am not giving something up fully (the thought) but attempting to successfully curb entirely the physical manifestation of this. I am going to track over the next 10 days how many times I think or say a comment that demeans someone else’s intelligence, either in-person or in-private. After collecting the data I am going to try and bring down the number of times I say something down to 0 while reducing the thoughts by ~75% so that I can show marketed improvement.

This may turn out to be a total flop, but likely will help me grow and learn as a person and as my Birthday falls into Lent I figured this is a good enough opportunity to mature and grow this season.

This week in DC was CPAC the conservative conference were 3 of the presidential candidates spoke to the far right wing of the party and where the keynote address was given by Governor Sarah Palin. Google was sponsoring the event in an effort to demonstrate that we are not liberal but rather are Pro-Free Speech.

As someone who is grateful for the 1st amendment, EVEN when it is used by groups like the Westboro Baptist Church I am glad tha Google was able to change the hearts and minds of conservatives about our position (or lack thereof) in politics. It reaffirmed to me a one of the core reasons why I call myself a liberal republican and one of the reasons I remain active in the Church.

When we are on the outside of a group we can be ignored and shunts aside as worthless. But when we are a part of them, when we are on the inside, we have the power to positively influence the minds of even the most extreme individuals.

This is what happened this week when a Republican Senator (Maureen Walsh) voted for Gay Marriage in Washington State after her daughter came out to her. Harvey Milk said it when he urged us all to come out in order to change the minds of the people and this week that was re-affirmed.

The most amazing moment of this week was not when I shook Newt, Mitt, and Sarah’s hands. Nor was it the banquet with the Chief of Staff for the RNC chair. It was watching another piece of positive influence rub off on someone who, honestly, has every reason to be upset with Google, Rick Santorum.

Google invited the Senator to be interviewed by a conservative blogger using a Google+ Hangout. While we were waiting for the Senator to show up we got nervous and I was sent to ensure he was coming and walk him down to our booth as I knew where the green room was.  I was placed inside the protective circle of the Secret Service-types and escorted with his family and a handful of key staff down to the booth. I introduced myself to the Senator along the way and mentioned that I was from Google. The distaste he had was palatable and his wife sped up and whispered in his ear “Why are you doing something with Google!?!”

Well Senator Santorum seemed to have a good time at the Google booth and even wore a pair of Goolge sunglasses during the Hangout. Sure that may have just been the candidate in him putting on a smiling face, but because Google partnered up with a conservative blogger, Santorum came to our booth, wore our stuff and became an fraction more inclined to listen to us. I might add that no other presidential candidate took the time to come down for a similar Hangout.

Because Rick Santorum’s attitude is changing towards Google, and because of the 4 dozen conservatives I spoke with have changed their attitude towards Google, and the hundreds of people whose opinions I have changed by being actively Mormon and openly Gay, I know that you can do more to advance a cause you believe in, from the inside of the organization poised to hate you than you can banging at the doors from the outside. Is it a sea-change? No. Will it take time, energy, and effort? Absolutely. But given the wall of Occupy Wallstreet Protestors whose effect only galvanized the conservatives, I know that I can do more to advance the causes I believe in from the inside, and that is why I became the first (and likely only) Gay Mormon to vote for Rick Santorum in the CPAC Straw poll.

ENTJ’s are described as being “fiercely independent in their decision making, having a strong will that insulates them against external influence,” and I think this is true for me. How this hurts me is in my lack of trust in, or inability to understand other people’s systems. Particularly the concept that “there is nothing new under the sun.”

I spent a lot of my time focused on re-creating the wheel when it already exists. Things I was brought up doing I trust implicitly as I have seen them work well, but new things, different things, are harder for me to grasp. Not so much in the external world, but when it comes to improving myself.

For instance, I enjoy reading the blog lifehacker which is all about small simple things you can do to alter the way you perceive the world and in general do things “better, faster, stronger.” It can be as simple as a task management system to ensure the day doesn’t get away from you, or a cool way to organize the cables at your desk so the OCD part of your brain doesn’t flip out.

I read all of these things about improving my life and then hardly ever do any of them. I hardly make plans with my life, let alone anything long-term that sticks (I have moved cross country 3 times in less than a year). I have difficulty keeping myself honed on learning a single skill or task, and I am easily distracted by noise and things that are of little actual importance to me.

This time though, things are going to be different. I plan on putting down roots for at least 2 years (which while laughable is nearly 4x my current average) and spending the next 5 bettering myself while at 1 company and/or going to 1 grad school. I am going to work to establish my position on every major public policy issue and write it down so as to become more deeply knowledgeable about various political topics as opposed to improvising or basing my decisions and thoughts on what I “feel” at the moment. And I am going to work at being comfortable as an extrovert.

These 3 things are going to be the focus of my willpower for the next 2 years and are my resolutions for the next few years. I will be breaking them into more manageable pieces so that the water can be exactly at my head and not over it. And I will be working to make myself a better person. Readers (if there are any left) please hold me to it.